Thursday, April 14, 2011

The Greyhawkization - effect on various bloggers

Of the various folks out in the blogosphere, some are going to end up better off than others when the mind-flayer attack from space (see irrefutable evidence in earlier entry) reshapes the world into Greyhawk.

Chgowiz probably does the best of us, because he's pretty near Lake Geneva and we all know that Lake Geneva is the Free City of Greyhawk. The only problem is that Blackmoor is the highest-tech place in Greyhawk, so that's the leftovers of the Netherlands and Switzerland. Which means that Lake Erie is going to make a pretty big tectonic shift to be roughly south of Belgium. Hang on, Chgowiz, it's going to be a bumpy ride. He won't mind, though, because he's got a Harley, and who wouldn't want to drive a Harley across the roads of Furyondy? "Dude, was that a moathouse? Totally picturesque! Let's stop in that nearby little hamlet and grab some road-food, and we'll go check it out. Maybe have a picnic, and go fishing for crawdads or something."

John Bingham is in some trouble, though, because unless something happens to Italy it's going to end up right under Chgowiz and Lake Geneva. However, one can postulate that this might be related to the creation of castle Greyhawk and its tunnels. See, the Italians, down there under Lake Geneva, are going to try and dig their way out. Eventually, they will get to the surface and build Castle Greyhawk. How do I know this? Two pieces of evidence. First, Castle Greyhawk is a ruin. Have you ever been a tourist in Rome? Everything's a ruin. Colosseum, etc. It's all half falling down - that's just how they do it, apparently. It explains why the upper works of the castle are in such bad condition: subterranean Italian architects. Secondly, another piece of evidence for Italians digging their way out: the tunnels under Castle Greyhawk go in all kinds of crazy directions. It's Italian organization and project management at work. Does Rome have orderly, gridded streets like Manhattan? No. Do the dungeons of Greyhawk Castle have orderly, gridded tunnels? No.
Q.E.D. It's Italians.
It's even possible that if John Bingham takes the lead in this process, he will later be known as the Mad Archmage. Time to cowboy up, Johnathan - find a pointy hat and start wearing it now!

Melan is in even worse trouble, because he's on the wrong side of the Alps, so he's either going to get eaten by a mind flayer or become a vampire since he's in Hungary. I don't have high hopes because he's a brainy guy -- exactly what the mind flayers want.

James Smith of the Underdark Gazette is apparently in Alabama. That's not near the known world of Greyhawk, so I can't predict exactly what will happen to him in the Great Greyhawkization. However, I estimate that he won't be eaten by a mind flayer because -- let's face it -- Alabama's not going to be their preferred hunting ground.

You Canadians just don't show up anywhere in Greyhawk, so I figure you're toast. Mind-flayer city, unlike Alabama. Sorry, guys. I recommend that really quickly you all head over to Chgowiz's house and hang out until Lake Erie makes its journey across the Atlantic to smash down on Italy. Bring chips and sleeping bags -- Chgowiz isn't going to feed all you guys, there isn't enough room in his refrigerator, and it might piss off the Princess Bride.

That's all the useful advice I can give right at this moment, I'm afraid. Lay in a stock of guns, because the mind flayers are coming. Tin-foil hats might stop them from detecting thoughts, also. Put 'em on just in case.


  1. Las Vegas will be okay - everybody - even Mind Flayers - likes a nice buffet and table games.

  2. We also have guns! Lot's and lot's of guns!

  3. What the ...

    Matt, dude... I want what you're smokin'! That's gotta be some primo weed there!

    (And as long as everyone brings appropriate tribute to the littlelest princesses in the house, it'll all be good. Dog won't give up his pillow or bed though.)

  4. "go fishing for crawdads" - ahahaha! With a damn shotgun, thank you very much.