I am now in the "cover designer" on lulu, which is a great big rectangle of technicolor vomit set underneath a bewildering array of buttons labeled with meaningless hieroglyphs. They are helpfully labeled with words indicating that anything I'm likely to do here will take me down a branching pathway of irretrievable mistakes, altered data, and sorrow. At the top, the very top ... in parentheses, it says, "Kid ... do you want to use the old cover designer or the advanced one-page cover designer?"
Okay, it doesn't say "Kid," but I'm already into the sort of Alice's Restaurant mode of confronting a senseless and ridiculous system of external control. And it's going to get worse. Because what I have here is a one-page cover. I'm not even allowed to wrestle with the technicolor vomit using the hieroglyph buttons and sheer willpower - I have to go and confront the ADVANCED cover generator. The technicolor vomit and the hieroglyphic buttons are obviously considered to be standard fare.
The advanced cover designer probably asks questions about which door tells the truth, which one lies ... and has an invincible demi-lich in it. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.
Here we go.
"Are you sure you want to navigate away from this page?"
Hell no, I'm on my way to the advanced cover designer with liches and stuff when I navigate away from this page. No, I don't want to navigate away from this page, but I have to. I hit "yes."
11:02AM USA Central Time.
I confront the advanced cover designer.
It is a blank rectangle. It says:
"The file you upload must be a PDF, JPG, GIF, or PNG. See below for exact dimensions. "
No technicolor-vomit slimes crawling in the rectangle.
It's quiet .... too quiet. This is exactly where you decide to search for secret doors and the ceiling falls in on you.
11:06 USA Central Time
And then ... written beneath the innocuous-looking rectangle ... comes the Gygaxian Riddle.
Here it is. WTF is a postscript point? Can we not use inches or millimeters, or cubits? Postscript isn't a system of measurement, it's something you write at the end of a letter when you forgot to say something or if you're trying to downplay it, like, "P.S. You are going to have trouble with this part of the process."One-piece cover requirements:
- Your file must be a PDF, JPG, GIF, or PNG
- Spine width: 31 Postscript points wide (0.431") (129 px)
- Spine begins 657 Postscript points (9.13") (2738 px) from the left.
- Total cover width: 1345 X 900 Postscript points (18.68" X 12.50") (5604px X 3750px)
- If using an image, its resolution should be set to 300dpi
P.S., yes, I know it actually gave me the dimensions in inches, I'm just complaining. The actual problem is to verify inches in the dimensions of a pdf. Time to open up Photoshop and take a look at the pdf in a graphics program.
This is going to take a while.